Birthdays are strange. We have no independent knowledge that the date we believe to be our birthday is actually the day we were born into this world. Oh sure, we have Birth Certificates, we have Social Security numbers and documents, we have the words of our parents. But none of that "evidence" arises from our own independent knowledge and recollection of the blessed event. We are simply accepting the testimony and documentary evidence of others - some of whom we have never met, some of whom may not actually be reliable witnesses.

Welcome to the world of faith!

I celebrated the day which I believe to be my birthday on Monday. The day started grandly. I felt excitement and energy as I bounded out of bed, actually feeling young again, eagerly anticipating what was to come. And the day turned out to be everything I could have wished for and more - food and friends, birthday cards, texts, phone calls and notes, and even gifts and a couple of songs. It was all good and fun, and just very nice. I stayed up even later than usual to completely absorb and enjoy and remember everything about the day.

Of course, the moment eventually arrived that I had been putting off as long as possible on this, my "day of all days" [to quote Dr. Seuss from "The Birthday Book"], my 65th birthday. I finally had to bring the celebration to an end, and crawl into bed where I knew the joy and fun of the day would disappear, leaving me to face my harsh reality, made more real by the addition of another year in the story of my life - I am no longer young, or even middle-aged, and I am alone.

Sleep did not come easily. I shivered long into the deepening night - perhaps from the chill in the air, or perhaps from the chill in my heart.

After a loss, everyone must face those "big" days - the first anniversary without her, the first Christmas without her, etc. There was sadness, certainly, when our anniversary came. But I don't recall feeling like this. I don't recall this "chill". And no, the Holidays haven't arrived yet [despite what you already see in stores], so I can't really say now how I may be affected when they actually do get here. But I really wasn't expecting this for my birthday.

I think maybe it's because birthdays, more than the other "big days" of the year, are all about age, are all about the marking of the passage of time, are all about the understanding, if not the actual acknowledgement, that we are drawing closer to the finish line, that we are that much nearer to the end, that our time is running out. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that as we sense all of this, we may look backwards with regret for all of the time that was wasted, all of the time that was not redeemed well, all of the time that was not used in ways that brought lasting joy and sweet memories. All of that weighed on me as I struggled to get warm and fall asleep.

If only I had known that birthday number 64, one year ago, was going to be the last time I would celebrate my birthday with her! What might I have changed? What might I have done differently to make it truly special and memorable? Because, looking back now, I have no memory of that day. Oh, I'm sure it was fun, and that we did the usual birthday things - at least I guess we did. I hope we did.

Knowing what lies ahead is not possible. Such knowledge would probably only be a curse anyway. Thus, we are left with two choices - either we will "Carpe Diem", "Seize the Day", live each day well now, or we will look back later with regret. And this is nothing new. Moses told us this thousands of years ago: "Teach us to realize how short life is. Then our hearts will become wise." [Psalm 90:12]

Wisdom comes with recognizing the brevity of life. I've seen this now; I know this now. But now that I'm another year older, will I finally be wise? Will I live each day well now? Will that wisdom drive this chill from my heart?

I don't know; maybe? But here are two things I do know, things that make me glad: God's love and mercies are "new every morning" - Lamentations 3:23; and, as a friend reminded me on my birthday - "Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new everyday." - 2 Corinthians 4:16.

Maybe there's enough wisdom there to warm my heart again.

Ambrose Ramsey | Pastor and Shepherd