As I type this, tomorrow will mark what would have been Renee’s 61st birthday.  Like Valentine’s Day a few weeks ago, this will not be the first birthday since her death.  But, like that first Valentine’s Day, the first birthday passed during the shock and the fog of her sudden and unexpected death.  That first birthday seemed to be here and gone before I knew it, before I had the chance to take a breath, before I had the chance to start trying to make sense of what had happened, before I had the chance to start trying to find the new “normal” in my life, before I had the chance to realize the significance of the day.  It was here and gone before I was ready.

And maybe in that last sentence I have stumbled upon the source of what has continued to gnaw at my spirit for the last fourteen months – and perhaps what has troubled Mankind since The Garden – her life was here and gone before I was ready.  Before I was ready to say “good-bye”, before I was ready to let her go, before I was ready to stand alone.  I doubt that anyone else in such circumstances could say they were ready either.  Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so bold as to speak for everyone.  Perhaps there have been some through the centuries, through the Millennia, who were not taken by surprise, who were not stunned, who were not shocked by the arrival of sudden and unexpected death - people who were stronger and better than me. 

Maybe.  But I know I was not prepared, I was not ready to find myself alone five minutes after I woke up that morning.  Looking back now, all of our years together seem to have flown away so quickly.  Even now, knowing what I know about the brevity of life, I still find myself thinking and singing “We’ve Only Just Begun”.  Even now, when I have had the chance to take a breath, when I have had the chance to get my bearings, when I have had the chance to begin to adjust to the new “normal”, I find it hard to believe that she is gone.

I arrived at church last week and saw that a friend was quietly scrubbing clean Renee’s memorial marker.  He stopped and held me close for a few seconds.  I found myself at a loss for words, unable to speak.  But it don’t think it was because my heart was breaking.  I think it was because my heart was full.  Because in all of my struggles for the last 14 months, in all of my pain, in all of my searching for answers and meaning in this tragedy, this is one thing I know - I have been held and protected and loved by The Lord.  I also know how The Lord has and continues to accomplish this - He loves and holds and protects me through the people of my church, my Faith Family, as was so beautifully illustrated in the arms of my friend. 

My church.  Or, better put, “our” little church.  It is so small, so seemingly insignificant in the greatness that is The Kingdom.  To look casually at us is unimpressive.  In fact, many have walked away without even giving us a second look, a second thought – “nothing to see here”.  How sad, for them.  Because this church, “our” church, this tiny outpost of The Kingdom, is filled with people who are a lot like Jesus.  In the face of dreadful loss, I know I am being blessed beyond measure by these “Jesus-people”.

As I finish typing this, it is now Renee’s birthday.  If you knew her, or if you have read some of these musings of mine over the last several months, you know that she was fascinated by the wonders of space.  She loved to gaze into the night sky in search of meteors, comets, the planets, the constellations, and even man-made objects such as the International Space Station.  Unfortunately, our home is located in an area in which viewing of the night sky is limited by trees and light.  We often missed some of the best sights.

But not anymore for her!  It brings me comfort to believe that, from where she now lives [yes, really lives!], there is nothing impeding her vision.  She has probably been taken on many close-up tours of the incredible scenes in space  - scenes which put to shame even the mind-boggling pictures that we, “the living”, are now seeing from the Hubble and the James Webb Space Telescopes.  I believe her tours are being personally conducted, just for her, by The One who spoke these wonders into existence!  And it brings me much pleasure to know that today, on her birthday, God has orchestrated an alignment of five planets and the moon that will be visible from the Earth – something which hasn’t happened in over 100 years –  as a special birthday present from Him to her.  

I know she loves her gift.  Happy birthday, my dear.

Ambrose Ramsey | Pastor and Shepherd